While my children were growing up, I had always imagined that they would turn out to be successful, mature, and healthy adults to validate the challenges of parenting. Instead, I found myself pitted in struggles against teen rebellion with defiant personalities who were unwilling to take any advice from me. Bewildered and confused about how to manage them, I turned to philosophy classes to explore how it could help my children improve themselves. Imagine my surprise when I came across an audio CD titled “How to Mould your Children” by Vedanta guru Swami Parthasarathy! Convinced that this would be the answer to my queries, I jumped at this opportunity to learn how to correct their behaviors and instill the right values in my children.
But once I had heard the audio lecture, I was stunned to realize that the problem lay within me, and not with my children, as I had previously thought. Swamiji’s talk focused on how parents committed a “double fault” in parenting: Firstly, they did not live the values in their own lives that they wanted their children to follow. Secondly, parents made matters worse by lecturing and scolding their children to follow injunctions that they could not maintain. When I looked back to analyze my own behavior and attitudes, I realized that my lectures and advice to my children primarily fell on deaf ears because I had failed to live up to those same standards myself. If I wanted them to be on time to school, was I being punctual in my schedule? If I did not want them to spend time on their phones, how much time was I spending scrolling on mine? How could I tell them to eat healthy foods if I did not eat fruits and vegetables myself? No wonder my children turned away in disdain from my empty advice! These questions made me pause and reflect on what I could do differently as a parent.
I started attending classes on the Bhagavad Gita, provided by Gautam Jain, a senior disciple of Swami Parthasarathy, who explained the lesson taught by Krishna to Arjuna- that just as students emulate their teacher, or subjects follow their rulers, children act as they see their parents behave. In order to set a higher standard for my children to aspire, I needed to look within and change my own attitude, my actions and responses.
Furthermore, classes in Vedanta revealed a basic misunderstanding about parenting with attachment and love. We mistake attachment as a secure bond signifying love. But Vedanta distinguishes love from attachment by defining attachment as love that is tainted by selfishness. True love is a pure feeling, totally unselfish and uncomplicated by our own needs, expectations and free of all control. Deeper reflection and study showed me the value of stepping back from my biases, and expectations leading to healthier relationships with my children. Being more disciplined and objective in my life created better awareness on their part and automatically fostered a happier environment at home.
It was incredible that the ancient philosophy of Vedanta could analyze the problems of our lives today and suggest a practical solution that worked! My teacher, Gautamji, explained that the message of detachment from the Gita and Vedanta inspires one to do their obligation, acting for a higher purpose instead of a limited selfish perspective, and to act without expectations. Loving parents provide the necessary care their children need at appropriate stages, without getting overwhelmed by anxiety for the results.
Teachings from the Bhagavad Gita and Vedanta provided a blueprint I could follow in everyday life. Attending the weekly classes on the Bhagavad Gita with Gautamji helped me digest this wisdom and gradually apply it to my role as a parent.
“The blog above are thoughts of a student of the online weekly lectures”
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